Love is real

Sure I been on dates and many times my heart would get broken by lies and by guys who cheated on me for something better. I would look in the mirror and wonder what is this something better and would I ever find out.  I would question myself. I’m I not pretty enough , I’m I beautiful enough , sexy enough to make you stay. is my heart not caring enough is my soul not how you wanted it to be.. I took a break to find myself to love myself and be happy with who I am.. So one night I stood outside found the brightest star * I could find fell to my knees and cried , plead to the Love Goddest to please send me my soul mate. I don’t want another boyfriend I’m looking to find my soulmate someone who is my best friend please take your time I don’t want this chance to be for nothing. Months want by with no signs of my true love… Until April 4, 2015 I met thee most amazing , handsome person I ever laid eyes on it was so hard to look away that I got caught staring.. His Beautiful brown eyes with a tint of green it was like I knew him my whole life. I knew him some how from some where but only just met him. When you kissed for the way time I thought we both was floating in the air.. My heart burst with such Love my soul felt like this is the one I been waiting for. True love , True loves kiss… I knew him for just a second but felt that’s where I was always suppost to be right here at the right time , right place. His heart is so pure and loving. His heart just wants to help the whole world and making it better. He trys with everything he got he never gives up even when he fails. He gives me inspiration to always try my best cause as long as I try in not failing , it’s when you give up is when you fail… He is so funny and always singing or dancing just so he can see me smile.. He is my light my air my all and oh my word my everything.. He is the most beautiful person and he always supports anything I do and makes me try so hard even when I fall. He is there to help me get back up. They say there is no  perfect guy. I say there is cause I’m looking at him right now and his smile is so contagious that it drives me absolutely insane… We are spending out life’s together to grow even stronger and I fall in love wit him every single day… True love is real I thought it was a myth. Bedtime stories and mMae believe.. I’m here to say that LOVE IS SO VERY MUCH REAL. I FEEL SO BLESSED SO LOVED….

I LOVE YOU @MonstaMind17 

You are everything

Voting is very important 

Donald Trump CAN’T BE  president… CAN NOOOOOOOTTTT BE PRESIDENT WE WOULD ALL BE IN DEEP SHIT.

A Girl who is flat chested can never be a 10.

I can shot you and not lose any votes

I would tell them to go fuck themselves 

I would bomb the Shit out of 

A Ugly man who talks so rude towards girls. 

Girls are fat , ugly … Makes fun a person who have mental illness.

Do you really want a Pig running the White House???

All SSI would be no more. PLEASE VOTE FOR HILLARY SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE DOING AND WANTS THE BEST. 

DONALD ONLY WANTS THINGS FOR HIM…

I HATE ….. HATE MY COLOSTOMY BAG!!!

  1. Oh my Goodness do I ever hate my Colostomy bag I wish it would go and jumo off a bridge… I hate wearing it , I hate changing it , I hate everything about it… It’s ruining my life it has taking over my body and I want my body back but nope its in charge and it don’t want to leave just wants to stick around. I wish I had my body back I was so happy and now I can’t cause it gets in the way. What I wear I have to find shirts long enough so it don’t show or people will see it. Really bag that’s how you want to be I don’t like you and I want you to leave. I’m a good person and you had to pick me… I wish I could have it off. I did treatments but they failed.. If course it would why would I think anything different. Just give me a FN break and go away. 1 wish is to take this off so I can burn all my bags and laugh until I couldn’t laugh any more… one day lol maybe… This is where I tend to blame God. If you know one of your children is sick why do you allow for siçkness on me. All you have to do is touch me and heal me so why don’t you. That could start a war so I wont go there.. I hate this so bad causes Rage , Depression , Anxiety… if it was off I wouldn’t have Any of these feelings but ever since 2015 You have ruined me broke me changed me into someone I really don’t like. I missed out on events cause some how the bag knows when I’m trying to have fun , decides it’s feeling left out and starts to act up so I have to leave while everyone else has fun but me. Yes I’m feeling really sorry for myself I think I have That right we all have that right to feel this way. I cry all the time , afraid to get close with anyone due to it.. I have to pretend like I’m ok , well I’m not ok….ok I’m depressed it causes me pain almost every day , or it’s over acting up I run out of bags and for a box of 10 it’s $80 … $80 fucking dollars are you kidding that is stupid as hell… some people like me can’t afford $80 every time I run out..  Lord I hate my Colostomy bag. … Do YOU?????

What is a God

I was talking about Faith and Beliefs and having  inspiration. On different kinds of Gods. There are so many different  religions. Who says that Jesus is a Guy , how do we know it’s not a Girl.. There is no law no right or wrong answer. As long you have Faith and joy in your life who is to say who your God is.. I say praise to whom you think your God is keep Hope and Faith and Love in your heart and soul. Don’t Let ANYONE—– Tell you any different… I pray before I go to bed in the morning and every moment in between… I have Faith I know when my body dies here on this Earth my soul will find my Mother , My Father I will be with everyone who I lost. My body is just a shell my soul is what will live on forever cause in death it’s forever and my God will take my hand and take me to Heaven or the stars…. God,jesus,Lord,Father,Almighty and the  Messiah….. Big guns upstairs the one in charge of things…. I believe in all of them but in my eyes…. KEEP FAITH ALIVE IN YOUR HEART AND IN YOUR SOUL AND FOR PEACE AND JOY… AMEN

A split vote for mental health building in the Quad Cites

  • It’s all about Votes , Votes , Votes Money , Money , Money…. Hummmmm should be about helping the American People who have mental illness a person shouldn’t have to go out of there way to find help. To find rooms because there to full. Here in my own town of Quad Cites Davenport Iowa , Moline Ill… There Voted and it’s a slip Vote and now there not doing anything when we need more beds for people who really need the help but all they care about is Money $$$$$ and Votes. Why do you need to Vote I didn’t know that us as people are looked at as Votes or Money. There are plenty of empty buildings that can be used for beds. That’s not how they see things all they look is a piece of paper and numbers. So let me get th is right… Now us who have mental illness are nothing but numbers on a piece of paper… Wow that makes me feel great about myself knowing that I’m not and the American People are not known as people we are nothing but numbers. Stop looking at the paper and Votes and money and look at me face to face talk to me get to know me my story and how Hospital Stays are so important without that Hospital stay I wouldn’t be here today. There was times where I had to go out of my way just to find room for me and sometimes both Hospitals where full and I had know where to go.. We need more beds , more room we shouldn’t be looked at as numbers on a piece of paper or numbers or votes or money. Knowing that all they see in me as money , Votes. This is so wrong , wrong , wrong… I hope that they can sleep at night knowing that there will be no rooms , no help , no place to go… Can you sleep at night knowing a life as been taking all cuz there was not enough rooms. Mental Illness is a huge issue and it needs to be looked at and should do anything to make more rooms for people who need help. This makes me so mad so upset and sick to my stomach knowing that I’m order to get help I have to be voted on. Might as well let me stand in front of your face let me hold a knife and then have you Vote if I should do it or not..  Why don’t I stand on a bridge and have you Vote if I should jump or not since voting and money is more Important that me and the American People…  You might want to rethink about how you see people who have mental illness. Ill tell you what why don’t you take a gun and ill vote to see if you should or not and by the way there are no rooms , no help nothing your not even being looked at as a person. Your nothing but numbers on a sheet , your nothing but a $ Sign.. Then tell me how it feels to be looked at like that. 
  • WE NEED MORE NEWS STOP VOTING , STOP TRYING TO GET MONEY.. WE AS A AMERICAN PEOPLE NEED THIS IT’S SO IMPORTANT SAVE A LIFE , NOT TAKE A LIFE 

My Daughters saved my life.

When I hear the word Hero two people who are my life , my air and I said so many I love you that my daughter’s each have there own Galaxy…. I never felt so lost , so alone that even my shadow couldn’t find me. I cried so much in my eyes I made an Ocean but this ocean has no life , no beauty , no fish or cute baby turtles. This ocean lays dark no light. Undisturbed almost scary to look at… My heart was so crushed so destroyed that I’m surprised that I was still alive. If I was alive I couldn’t tell if I was or not all the life I had was gone. My face hurt every time I cried it felt like salt getting in a bad wound. I was staring at a face in the mirror of a stranger , a face that was not my own. Course if it was me I forgot what I looked like. I didn’t want that life so I battled up for the most painful battle of a life time. Long nights , long days , long years. I would fall down , sink in quick sand I really had to push myself to stay alive so I wouldn’t sink down to far. I was all alone , no hands , I had to do this for me to fight to stand tall.. I had my 2 daughters who needed there mommy around. Knowing that I hurt them all due to my actions is something I can’t forgive of myself. Not right now maybe in time , I always promised my girls I would always be around for them and I missed 6-7 years without them. I was always sick , always in the hospital,  always running away from my issues instead of facing them. That is when I said enough is enough. I’m so much better that once lifeless ocean is full of color and life full of all kinds of ocean floor fishes,  crabs , and even cute baby turtles…  A ocean where me and my kids can swim with sea life. I MADE IT ALL CAUSE OF MY 2 AMAZING , BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS 

Your making me Angry!!!

Rage….Bitterness…Coldness… Anger…. Emptiness… Loneliness… Friendless….Know one understands me….Hollow…Just 1 tiny lil thing and all Hell breaks out…Depression….Anxiety….. PTSD…. Sound like You. That was all me 8 years ago. It could be my hair wouldn’t lay right. Nothing to wear and before I knew it I was throwing things. Yelling Bashing myself calling myself Ugly , Useless , You will never be free of this hell on Earth. I would hit myself , bite, punch walls , Doors I would scare people I could Not, repeat COULD NOT BE TRUSTED!!!!!!. I would block out do things with no memory of doing them. Like jumping from a 2nd story building, jump in front of cars, ran away….. Was in the hospital so many times I lost count. Maybe 18x Since 2007… I had crying spells for no reason. , wouldn’t speak for days, hide in my room. Missed 8 years of my kids life do to all this Curse. Fast forward to December 2015… Today is October 25,2016 and I been out of the hospital no anger spells , no running away. No punching. No ” Turning Green”””. (Marvel line) but True.. I went thou Anger management,  Depression support groups, Coping classes , today my depression is very low mind is quite not loud like it use to.. I am now a mentor to others to speak of my story to help show that there is a away  out in a healthy way , not a bad way. When I fell anger I tell the person I have to walk away I’m feeling Anger I’ll talk to you when I cool down. Before I would scare you so bad you wish you never spoke to me like that…There was times I felt almost Evil, Dark, so cold I didn’t care who I hurt I got off on hurting people , I would smile and laugh if I scared you , if I made you cry oh Lord that made my day. I can’t say Sorry even thou I did to all I hurt some forgave me some wish to never speak to me again. I’m not angry what I did and said by my actions to me they have that right and that’s not on them I don’t hate them. I take walks , color , listen to music ( Up Beat) Nothing slow or Depressing… Write in my journal. I cont to go to Support Groups,  speak in front of people.Showing them that your own demons can lose that you can beat this. I doesn’t happen over night it takes Hard Work , have to be Devoted. It’s nice to do it for family , but then your not counting yourself. You have to do it for you , you have to get better for you. You can’t always please everyone even thou you try. Stop that you can’t get better if your always trying to please others. You have to fight in the ring with yourself. You will fall, you will fail, but you will beat this , win this boxing ring with yourself. One day you will look in the mirror and see someone who is Beautiful,  Strong , No Anger , no rage no nothing. That is the new you in that mirror. It’s a wonderful amazing moment and I pray that One day you can have that. Make up on , hair done , smiling , laughing have Fun. Making new friends who are Positive. . Every single person even family , friends who were toxic is out of your life. You have no time for toxic , drama , stressful people. You came to far  , worked to hard to muss with  that trash… One day you can be a speaker like me , helping others you showing them that You beat your own demons, not many get that chance , cause they Choose the Wrong way out. You are still here your lungs have air your heart still beats. You didn’t kill yourself even thou just the Sound of that never sounded so good. Look at you now Congrats , always have Hope , Faith and Believe in yourself. Fight Every day , Every second , hour of the day. You can’t afford to take a break , or a day off. Cause the Depression will come back and as weird as this sounds… It starts to feel good…. Sad I know but true. You are just like an addict.You feel that wrong  highness…. You have to feel a positive highness instead. Don’t allow those demon thoughts run free in your head….. Hope this helps you I believe I’m you