Your making me Angry!!!

Rage….Bitterness…Coldness… Anger…. Emptiness… Loneliness… Friendless….Know one understands me….Hollow…Just 1 tiny lil thing and all Hell breaks out…Depression….Anxiety….. PTSD…. Sound like You. That was all me 8 years ago. It could be my hair wouldn’t lay right. Nothing to wear and before I knew it I was throwing things. Yelling Bashing myself calling myself Ugly , Useless , You will never be free of this hell on Earth. I would hit myself , bite, punch walls , Doors I would scare people I could Not, repeat COULD NOT BE TRUSTED!!!!!!. I would block out do things with no memory of doing them. Like jumping from a 2nd story building, jump in front of cars, ran away….. Was in the hospital so many times I lost count. Maybe 18x Since 2007… I had crying spells for no reason. , wouldn’t speak for days, hide in my room. Missed 8 years of my kids life do to all this Curse. Fast forward to December 2015… Today is October 25,2016 and I been out of the hospital no anger spells , no running away. No punching. No ” Turning Green”””. (Marvel line) but True.. I went thou Anger management,  Depression support groups, Coping classes , today my depression is very low mind is quite not loud like it use to.. I am now a mentor to others to speak of my story to help show that there is a away  out in a healthy way , not a bad way. When I fell anger I tell the person I have to walk away I’m feeling Anger I’ll talk to you when I cool down. Before I would scare you so bad you wish you never spoke to me like that…There was times I felt almost Evil, Dark, so cold I didn’t care who I hurt I got off on hurting people , I would smile and laugh if I scared you , if I made you cry oh Lord that made my day. I can’t say Sorry even thou I did to all I hurt some forgave me some wish to never speak to me again. I’m not angry what I did and said by my actions to me they have that right and that’s not on them I don’t hate them. I take walks , color , listen to music ( Up Beat) Nothing slow or Depressing… Write in my journal. I cont to go to Support Groups,  speak in front of people.Showing them that your own demons can lose that you can beat this. I doesn’t happen over night it takes Hard Work , have to be Devoted. It’s nice to do it for family , but then your not counting yourself. You have to do it for you , you have to get better for you. You can’t always please everyone even thou you try. Stop that you can’t get better if your always trying to please others. You have to fight in the ring with yourself. You will fall, you will fail, but you will beat this , win this boxing ring with yourself. One day you will look in the mirror and see someone who is Beautiful,  Strong , No Anger , no rage no nothing. That is the new you in that mirror. It’s a wonderful amazing moment and I pray that One day you can have that. Make up on , hair done , smiling , laughing have Fun. Making new friends who are Positive. . Every single person even family , friends who were toxic is out of your life. You have no time for toxic , drama , stressful people. You came to far  , worked to hard to muss with  that trash… One day you can be a speaker like me , helping others you showing them that You beat your own demons, not many get that chance , cause they Choose the Wrong way out. You are still here your lungs have air your heart still beats. You didn’t kill yourself even thou just the Sound of that never sounded so good. Look at you now Congrats , always have Hope , Faith and Believe in yourself. Fight Every day , Every second , hour of the day. You can’t afford to take a break , or a day off. Cause the Depression will come back and as weird as this sounds… It starts to feel good…. Sad I know but true. You are just like an addict.You feel that wrong  highness…. You have to feel a positive highness instead. Don’t allow those demon thoughts run free in your head….. Hope this helps you I believe I’m you 

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